I Wish My Column Was ‘More Addictive Than Cocaine’

Pennywise and cocaineCocaine is commonly recognized as the baseline for degradation clichés in the US. A product, pastime or vice has made it big when an authority figure compares its addictive power to that of cocaine while warning the public of a looming threat to domestic tranquility.

Once a reporter is told something or other is “as addictive as cocaine” the story practically writes itself. And if the reporter happens to be hooked on cocaine, too, it’s finished in no time.

Our latest addiction cliché comes courtesy of Republican state senator Todd Weiler who has introduced a resolution that would require Utah to recognize porn as a “public health hazard” and take steps to prevent it’s spread.

The senator gets points for concern, but this will be like preventing the spread of humidity.

Weiler contends an addiction to pornography “is more difficult to overcome than cocaine.” It’s certainly cheaper. Once the victim is past the fixed costs of a broadband connection and a viewing technology the product is essentially free. At least that’s the case in Utah where, although porn viewing is pervasive, the average time online is the second shortest in the nation.

The trailers and teasers appear to satisfy, so to speak.

The senator does recognize there is the potential for government overreach, so he plans to take a hands–off approach with regard to masturbation. Weiler told the NY Daily News, “My resolution does not deal with [self–abuse], I think that’s beyond the scope of what I’m doing.”

Pornography now joins the long and surprisingly diverse list of “more addictive thans.”

Time magazine found a Connecticut College study that claims Oreos are as addictive as crack cocaine to lab rats. And the findings are certainly applicable to humans since the rats eat the creamy center first, too.

The L.A. Weekly contends you can’t go to the grocery store without falling into the clutches of Demon Food, because “food can actually be considered more addictive than crack.” This warning is based on research indicating two–thirds of Americans “have significant difficulties controlling their food intake.”

A phenomena you can witness yourself during Chocolate Buffet night on any cruise ship.

This warning does have a motivational bright side. Now dieters can feel as heroic as Robert Downey, Jr., since they can describe hunger pangs as withdrawal symptoms.

The Daily Mail says being in front of a computer can still be a problem even if you keep your hands to yourself. Swedish researcher Sven Rollenhagen warns the online World of Warcraft has been part of every case of game addiction he’s treated. Yes, “It is the crack cocaine of the computer game world. Some will play it till they drop.”

It’s obvious why the warning industry has so much invested in the “addictive as cocaine” cliché. If cocaine were found to be no more dangerous than powdered sugar, Oreos would vanish from the shelves overnight and Chicken Littles would be verbally disarmed.

That resistance is why the National Survey on Drug Use has trouble getting traction. It found 80 percent of those surveyed who had tried crack — supposedly even worse than cocaine — had not used it in the past year. What’s more, the initial experience appears to have been beneficial to society as a whole. The blow testers also report paying their taxes on time, stopping before turning right on red and never parking in handicapped spaces.

Cocaine effectiveness is also under attack on the chemical side. Some claim Fentanyl — which sounds like something you drink on a date with Bill Cosby — is now the most addictive drug, but I don’t see that cliché catching on. It’s too hard to spell and too hard to pronounce.

The bottom line for me always returns to the messenger: Wouldn’t the expert have had to be addicted to cocaine at some point to be able to accurately compare dependency power and if so, does America want to take advice from a bunch of former crack heads?

Marco Rubio Gets the Full McCain from Mainstream Media

Rubio as WoodyMarco Rubio’s third–place finish in Iowa was enough for the mainstream media to anoint him the “real winner.” Why? Easy, as far as the left is concerned Rubio is the Republican Obama: An opportunistic, inexperienced empty suit — only his ears are bigger.

Don’t fall for the hype from an MSM that only wishes conservatives ill. Particularly if Rubio is falling for it.

Details, analysis and breathtaking insight available in my complete Newsmax column found by clicking on the link below:

http://www.newsmax.com/MichaelShannon/Iowa-New-Hampshire/2016/02/05/id/712956/

 

The Typo that Bloated a Nation

stupid-fat-people_o_689465For decades Americans have been laboring under a misconception that has fueled the growth of Jenny Craig, stretched spandex to the limit and turned people–watching at the mall into a vaguely unsettling experience.

Mothers, teachers and motorcycle cops have been lecturing us for years that “haste makes waste.” Meaning rushing through a project, test or municipal speed trap can result in sloppy work, wrong answers or hefty fines.

Yet the advice is completely wrong. Haste has almost no correlation to waste. A slap–dash effort directed toward your chores or homework enables you get back to updating your Facebook page that much sooner. And speeding tickets are just a tax on velocity and no indication of a lack of attention to detail.

What these authority figures should have been telling us was “haste makes WAIST.

Japanese researchers with a strange mastication fetish have been studying how people eat. They’ve discovered a direct relationship between how fast you consume and your time in the 40–yard dash. Wait, that can’t be correct. Foot speed is an indirect result. After analyzing 23 other studies, the New York Post tells us, researchers determined diners that wolfed down their food “were more than twice as likely to be obese than those who said they ate more slowly.”

The weight disparity could have been because the fast eaters asked, “are you going to finish that?” and cleaned the slow eater’s plates before they had a chance to respond.

Since a significant portion of the social science community makes a living performing tests that merely serve to confirm conventional wisdom and/or common sense, none of the researchers admitted mom was right when she told you to “chew each bite 40 times.”

It’s possible this judgment is a bit harsh. Maybe the scientists are unfamiliar with the digestive dictum. Judging by the number of people I see in restaurants chewing with their mouths open or talking with their mouths full it could be that mom has completely given up on chewing frequency and is content if the kids avoid becoming cannibals.

Evidently a satiation race begins each time we sit down in front a full plate and begin to eat. According to the science, which I have questions regarding, the longer food stays in your mouth “the more it triggers sensors in your tongue and oral cavity to send satiety signals to your brain.”

This clears up one question I’ve had. In the past I merely assumed it was the cancer keeping tobacco chewers so slim and trim, but evidently it was because their tongue was confused and told the brain they weren’t hungry. Or they were simply nauseous from swallowing the juice.

One would think with the head start an impulse from the tongue has over one from the stomach, keeping the brain up–to–date on digestive progress wouldn’t be hard, but that’s not the case. Like Ben Carson answering a foreign policy question, the full impulses are always a bit behind the curve. Gravity and peristalsis — combined with a Henry Ford, assembly–line style of eating that always has another bite ready as soon the previous morsel disappears down the hatch — appear to give incoming demands the advantage. Before you know it, it’s standing room only in the stomach.

Had America taken mom’s 40–chews–per–bite advice and ruminated more over dinner the nation might be less bovine in appearance now.

If you’re going to haste regardless of your waist, another nutritionist has a suggestion. This time drink 16 ounces of water at whatever breakneck pace you choose, only do it just before you eat. The water will take up space and reduce the size of your meal regardless of how lethargic your tongue receptors are.

I’ve tried this technique in restaurants and it works like a charm. Midway through the meal I have to excuse myself and use the bathroom. At my age by the time I return the waiter has frequently cleared the table, eliminating any temptation for additional eating.

Whether or not you decide to pre–soak your stomach before dinner, please keep in mind “haste makes waste” eating doesn’t mean you get another stain on your pants. It means you get another pound on your hips.

Education — America’s Sacred Bottomless Pit

The Washington Post ran a story this week that asked: “Does this 81-year-old hold the key to teaching kids how to understand math?” Treating her as if she was some valuable relic washed ashore from Atlantis, the reporter explains Mary Johnson has been “teaching math in the District [since] the 1960s as if little time has passed.”

Which is a good thing; because Johnson spends her retirement years trying to undo the mathematical illiteracy imposed DC children by educrats.

She does it by cheerfully violating all the modern rules of “pedagogy” promulgated by the witch doctors of education.

“Pedagogy,” by the way is a pretentious term used by the second–rate minds that run education schools. It really means “teaching,” but if the “experts” used clear language the taxpayer might realize the extent of the scam that comprises government education today.

Anyway Mrs. Johnson is a great American. You can read how she puts the ed borg in it’s place by clicking below for my Newsmax column:

http://www.newsmax.com/MichaelShannon/budget-education-spending/2016/01/29/id/711891/

 

 

Will the GOP Establishment Kill Trump With Kindness?

Trump WallIn 1998 I worked in a long–forgotten Venezuelan presidential race that has an important lesson for Donald Trump. The contest featured a celebrity outsider with perfect hair running against corrupt political insiders. (Is that redundant?) In Venezuela the insiders weren’t long–serving officials or hangers–on who became ethically bankrupt. The members of COPEI were criminally corrupt and many officials were jailed.

Irene Sáez, a former Miss Venezuela and Miss World, was the celebrity outsider. Sáez formed her own party called Integrated Representation of New Hope, which sounds clunky in English, but very Trumpy in Spanish since the initials formed the acronym IRENE.

Her unofficial campaign song was “Barbie Girl,” which pretty much topped off the package.

The combination of celebrity, outsider and iconoclasm catapulted Irene into what appeared to be an insurmountable lead. In the last poll of 1997, a year before the election, her support was 70 percent with none of Trump’s “built in” negatives.

Irene’s peroxide blonde hair received as much vilification as Trump’s does now. (History note, Trump’s coiffure is not original: During the Civil War generals with like hairdos were said to “have their rear guard doing the work of skirmishers.”)

Even though Sáez was mayor of a toney suburb of Caracas, pontificators viewed her as a lightweight who would soon discover running Venezuela is much different from sashaying down the runway at the Miss World pageant.

Her supporters were denigrated much the same way Trump’s are: Undereducated, unwashed masses lured by the siren song of celebrity. The only thing they weren’t accused of being was white, since after all it was Venezuela.

The expert’s mistake was overlooking the three steps to voter persuasion.

Celebrity only gives candidates a head start on step one: I.D. Voters know who they are and know they are running. The second step — Identity —makes them winners. Sáez’ identity was that of an outsider, as is Trump’s.

Once disenfranchised, denigrated voters find someone who reciprocates their outrage, they’re happy to take the third step: Investment. Meaning the candidate has their vote.

When the Sáez’ bubble didn’t burst there was panic at the possibility of a gravy train derailment. Just as is happening here now, both establishments scrambled to find a way to ooze into the outsider’s orbit.

Trump looks out his limo window and sees Sen. Chuck Grassley tapping on the glass trying to hitch a ride on the bandwagon. For Sáez it was the loathsome COPEI dumping it’s preferred miscreant and instead endorsing her candidacy.

Sáez response should have been an immediate and noisy rejection. Instead she made a disastrous mistake and accepted the mantle, which proved to be just a loan. Sáez support imploded as voters saw their outsider surrounded by the same old insiders.

She finished with 3 percent of the vote and had the additional indignity of seeing COPEI jilt her just before the election and support a third candidate.

Here the GOP establishment is cozying up to Trump because Ted Cruz is unthinkable as an alternative because he’s a genuine Constitutional conservative. As one GOP reptile told the New York Times: “We can live with Trump…there’s a feeling that he is not going to layer over the party or install his own person. Whereas Cruz will have his own people there.”

A disaster since influence peddlers and time–serving incumbents won’t continue to dip into the taxpayer trough under a Cruz administration.

Trump’s crucial test is the one Sáez failed. As far as the insider–loathing voter is concerned there’s not a dime’s worth of difference between Chuck Grassley and Lindsey Graham.

Yet Trump may not recognize that. After the Grassley wedged his way into the limo Trump told a rally, “You know what? There’s a point at which: Let’s get to be a little establishment. We’ve got to get things done folks, OK? Believe me, don’t worry. We’re going to make such great deals.”

That’s exactly the wrong response. Trump should have told Grassley and the insiders to join the illegals at the back of the line. If Donald doesn’t believe me he should check with Sáez. It won’t even be an international call.

She lives quietly in Florida now.

Welfare Mother Meet Welfare Mogul

Team Owners by CategoryOne only has to glance at the long line of NFL owners flying to the league’s annual meeting in their private jets to know for a fact that welfare handouts only serve to create a culture of dependency. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the face of one–percenter entitlement, solemnly announced at the gathering that stadiums in St. Louis, San Diego and Oakland are “inadequate and unsatisfactory.”

If that’s the case why don’t the billionaires start remodeling? The Benham brothers could use the work.

Unfortunately NFL owners suffer from entitlement ennui. Owners expect government to pile on inducements until the total satisfies a billionaire. Determining a satisfactory amount is the problem.

Roose Bolton, in Game of Thrones, knew the dowry for marrying one of Walder Frey’s daughters would be her weight in silver. Since fat was more valuable than fair, he choose the orca–sized Walda. But how many tax dollars attract a fat–and–happy NFL owner?

The uncertainly had St. Louis in a tizzy. All signs pointed to the city having to return the NFL team it borrowed from LA 22 years ago. And Lord Goodell ruled Edward Jones Dome was too ramshackle for a team with a 7–10 record.

How did this all work out? That’s easy, to the advantage of the owners. Please click the link below to be transported to my Newsmax Insider column where the gods of copyright demand you finish the column.

http://www.newsmax.com/MichaelShannon/Goodell-LA-NFL-Stadium/2016/01/15/id/709675/

 

Sudden Jihad Syndrome’s Related Pathology

islamophobia-a-word-created-by-fascists-and-used-by-cowards-to-manipulate-moronsMost of us with a cable, newspaper or Internet subscription are familiar with the 21st Century’s global epidemic: Sudden Jihad Syndrome. First identified outside the laboratory by Daniel Pipes, the disease is typically confined to males.

There also appears to be a correlation with Islam, but that’s controversial.

Mainstream media practitioners usually apply the Sudden Jihad Syndrome diagnosis to quiet, younger men who keep to themselves and do a great deal of research on YouTube. Hobbies include building pipe bombs, going to the shooting range and collecting anhydrous ammonia.

The rest of us know we’re in a Sudden Jihad Syndrome outbreak when, for no particular reason, the young man yells Allahu Akbar and either starts shooting or explodes.

Now, in the wake of the Philadelphia attack on a police officer, I’ve identified a related pathology called Sudden Imam Syndrome. This occurs when a secular politician, typically a Democrat although weak–minded Republicans exhibit low resistance, assures us after an attack that the Moslem terrorist “had nothing to do with Islam.”

In Philly the shooter was captured on camera firing at Officer Jesse Hartnett 11 times, scoring three hits. At the news conference announcing the arrest, Police Commissioner Richard Ross said: “According to him, he believed that the police defend laws that are contrary to the teachings of the [Koran].”

Police Captain James Clark added the suspect “stated that he pledges his allegiance to Islamic State, he follows Allah and that is the reason he was called upon to do this.”

Mayor Jim Kenney — in office all of four days, but learning fast — stepped up to the microphone and suddenly underwent a startling transformation. Imam Kenney assured us that in spite of what the shooter admitted, “In no way shape or form does anyone in this room believe that Islam or the teaching of Islam has anything to do with what you’ve seen on the screen.”

CAIR (Conceal All Islam Responsibility) seconded the mayor’s propaganda. Reuters reported “At this hour, it does not appear that he was an observant or mosque–going Muslim.”

As much as I respect the mayor’s reputation as an Islamic theologian, I’m going to have to lean toward the shooter’s explanation of his motive.

Reuters interviewed Jannah Abdulsalaam “who asked to be identified by her [Moslem] name.” (?!!!) She said the shooter was “’exceptionally knowledgeable’ about Islam. A neighbor said she saw him attend services at the local mosque “each Friday” and another acquaintance said the triggerman was quite familiar with Arabic before he signed up for classes at the mosque.

(Evidently CAIR was calling mosques in Philadelphia, MS a mistake anyone could make in the heat of the moment.)

Mayor Kenney appears to be the kind of cafeteria Catholic who can support a Democrat party that worships at the altar of abortion, while still claiming to be a Christian. So if Kenney’s so shaky on Christian doctrine, what gives him any credibility on the Koran?

Here we have an ISIS–pledging attacker wearing a dishdasha, screaming the traditional “Allahu Akbar” while trying to kill a cop and it “has nothing to do with Islam”? It’s like saying Japanese kamikaze pilots wearing a hackimaki headband had nothing to do with Bushido.

And where do these non–Arabic speaking instant imams gain the confidence to interpret Islam? I’m very familiar with pre–Christ Judaism, but I wouldn’t presume to tell a Jew where he’s gone wrong. Just as I wouldn’t tell a druid he’s worshiping the wrong shrub or a wiccan she’s mistaken grass clippings for sacred herbs. But both the mayor of Philadelphia and Sen. Bob Casey assure the nation there’s no Islam here.

But there is Islam here, just as there was in San Bernardino, Ft. Hood, 9/11 and the rest of the terror attacks. It’s commonality among these events that’s inescapable, yet the powers–that–be won’t acknowledge it.

The fact is a Christian who becomes confused about Christianity will often be seen supporting homosexual marriage or Joel Osteen, but when a Moslem gets confused about Islam the result frequently involves the coroner.

There is no hope for a reform of Islam unless Moslems admit there is something wrong and Islamic leadership unites to solve the problem. Relying on condescending practitioners of Sudden Imam Syndrome to deflect blame only serves to create more suspicion and distrust.

Google Designs the Self–Absorbed Car for the Self–Absorbed Man

Self Driving Car memeTo give you an idea of how far the nation’s confidence has retreated from the exuberance of the 60’s — I promise this isn’t an endorsement of Donald Trump — just look at current automotive culture.

Government Motors designs flimsy boxes to conform to arbitrary fuel efficiency standards. Electric cars, which the government wants a select few to drive while the rest of us are on a bus, are so expensive the only way to persuade the average person to own one is to subsidize the purchase with thousands of tax dollars.

Naturally “activist” busybodies worry those geek hummers don’t make enough noise to warn headphone–wearing idiots of the auto’s approach. That certainly wasn’t a problem with the Shelby Mustang. The roar of the exhaust in even the stock model approached NASA decibel levels.

Muscle cars were the perfect compliment to a muscular country. “Big Daddy” Don Garlits was a household name, “Fun, Fun, Fun” dominated the radio and Ford won the 24 Hours of Le Mans.

Today we’ve gone from the “Little Old Lady From Pasadena” (Go granny, go granny, go granny go!) to the Little Old Robot from Cupertino (No baby, no baby, no baby no!).

The future according to Google features a self–driving car characterized an inability to relate to the moving culture around it. I call Google’s effort the Asperger Auto because of the effect the cars have when they leave the Google test track.

Individuals with Asperger Syndrome have trouble with social interaction and are often bound by limited or restricted patterns of behavior. Google’s car has all the classic symptoms: inward directed, reluctant to change behavior to fit surrounding social circumstances and a refusal to acknowledge social cues from other drivers.

Bloomberg Business reports a California motorcycle cop had experience first–hand when he observed traffic stacking up behind a suppository–shaped auto.

He entered the history books as the first motorman to initiate a traffic stop on a robot car. Equally unique, he resisted the temptation to inquire: “Do you know why I stopped you?” because there was no one to ask.

The self–involved vehicle was putt–putting along at 24 MPH in a 35 MPH zone, ignoring the jam it was creating as drivers with a rapidly deteriorating opinion of Google stacked up behind.

The quandary for the cop was to whom to give the ticket? The car couldn’t sign the summons and the two engineers aboard claimed to be just passengers. So the officer let the human cargo off with a warning and threatened to drop a magnet into the car’s CPU if it happened again.

Depending on whom you ask, auto–autos have between twice and five times the accident rate of human drivers. One similarity the cars share with humans is the accident is always the other guy’s fault, although in the car’s case it appears to be true.

A study from the University of Michigan found driverless vehicles, like your teenage daughter, have never been at fault in an accident. The auto–autos are “usually hit from behind in slow-speed crashes by inattentive or aggressive humans unaccustomed to machine motorists that always follow the rules.”

In essence, an auto strictly obeying the law is such a rare occurrence it may actually constitute a road hazard.

California is ready with a solution similar to the old law that required a horseless carriage to post a man with a lantern walking before it to warn unsuspecting horses. Regulators want a “backseat–driver–on–call” vehicle that “would require a human always to be ready to take the wheel.”

Naturally Google, the inventor of the “Cast Your Fate to the Wind” model that doesn’t have a steering wheel or a gas pedal, objects to the new rule.

Google has managed to automate the velocity vigilante who parks his sanctimonious speed limit observing vehicle in the fast lane and forces drivers with a greater sense of urgency to pass on the right.

The self–righteous, self–absorbed Asperger Auto coming to a highway near you.

Republican Surrender Caucus Schedules a Vote for Show


Ringling Brothers Side Show poster

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Step right up!

You’ll see Delilah, the girl with the million–dollar treasure chest. I’m not allowed to describe her act out here in public, but believe me, once she begins up around the post office and ends up down around the court house, ladies and gentlemen, you’re going to know that you’ve been to a red hot show!

                         Carnival Barker spiel

You may have thought the midway carny show is extinct, killed by Keeping Up with the Kardashians – which allowed you to see freaks without leaving your home – but you’re wrong.

January has a Capital Hill Carny Show designed expressly for conservatives, featuring Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy as barker. I suppose you’re wondering what the man whose verbal incompetence single–handedly neutered the Benghazi Committee has to say. To find out, please click on the link below and read the rest of my Newsmax Insider column:

http://www.newsmax.com/MichaelShannon/Caucus-McCarthy-McConnell-Obamacare/2016/01/08/id/708739/

 

Wolf Blitzer’s Hand–Wringing Drowns Out Debaters

Blitzer memeThe last GOP debate of the year proved once again John Kasich is the most tone–deaf politician in the contest. There he was — America’s Angry RINO —clinging to his edge of the stage with that desperate look on his face that only comes from knowing a poor performance means next time he’ll be with Lindsey Graham sharing a riser in front of a Winnebago.

His handlers evidently told him an angry, arm–waving, buttinski was not what Republican voters were in the market for this election, so Kasich decided to be an arm–waving Jimmy Carter instead.

After he informs a breathlessly waiting America that his daughter doesn’t like politics because, “there’s too much fighting, too much yelling. It’s so loud, I don’t like it.” The question everyone at home asked was: “Is her name, Amy, too?”

Good grief. Being lectured on bickering by the likes of John Kasich is like being advised on debate preparation by Donald Trump.

Jeb Bush also tried to add something new to his performance and Wolf Blitzer managed get the Moslem question exactly backward, but to learn details that you must click on link below and be magically transported to Newsmax.com for the remainder of this column.

http://www.newsmax.com/MichaelShannon/trump-cruz-blitzer/2015/12/18/id/706350/